Just Me

It is okay

2011-07-08T21:24:00.000+08:00

I guess, where is he? what he is doing now. I stop. Why should I do that?

The heart wants what it wants. Jason said that. He said that too. I want what I want, yet when it comes to matter of heart, it does not depend on my desire. Heart is the hardest thing to win over.

Love is un-explainable, undeserved and unearned favor.

You cant stop thinking about it, so just write it down, and move on. Smile. Love will shine on you.

Depression

2011-07-04T12:23:00.000+08:00

So, you think, you are in a depression?

What can you still function? Still eating, still sleeping well, still come to work, still maintain the surface sanity, still smiling.

How do you feel? heart burnt, pain,

What can't you do? concentration. low morale and motivation and drive to finish work. Hard to be happy.

Listen, you can't rationalize yourself out of it, yet you need to maintain a level of discipline to work on your task, so that you won't be too much left behind when you are out of the current state. This is only one week or one month of your life.

If you are not loved by that person, that treat him as a passer-by in your life, pain all you want but allow yourself to forget about him.

for yourself, love yourself.

To Be a Friend

2010-12-13T12:06:00.000+08:00

I realize to be a friend is more than just going out, having a cup of coffee, chitchatting and trying to look for some fun together. Much of time, the foundation of friendship is often built on bad time when you, or your friend is going through period of lows, when other people seem desert either one of you, and when you stick on, and be there, and when you know she/he will stick on and be there, We know we've found a friend for life.

Finding a Mentor for Writing

2010-11-30T23:50:00.000+08:00

I am so excited to hear about the Mentor Access Project. It is a mentoring project for all budding writers who have not really published any full length of work yet. It is conducted by National Art Council, and it lasts for one year. I have been dreaming about someone who can hold my hand and guide me step by step. As much as I like writing, sometimes, you just feel that writing itself is not enough. I know I can always google the subject I want and read articles online about feature writing of all kinds, but nothing beats a human touch: someone who can take time to walk with me. Dream come true.

Mentoring is a magic word when I decide not to live with a attitude of see how far life can carry me. I want to live intentionally, committed. Learning is very important part of the process. WE are so lost, aren't we? We also rely too much on internet. We look for a solution for our loneliness, read articles to teach us to find a date, to teach us how to survive in a corporate world. We rely on internet to teach us how to lost weight, how to interactive with others, how to cope with certain situation with the best presentation of us. All of these are good, we enjoy the blessings that comes with this information overloaded era. It is just that it lose certain sense of human touch. A criticism in mere text is often doing more harm than help. Yet a comment in words, with face expressions, can be so rich in meaning. And mentors will always have the advantage of knowing the context of mentoree's life and growth. There is a dynamic that can not be seen when you go to yahoo answer for a question you are puzzling about.

If I can be accepted in this mentorship programme. I am going to blog about it, so that you also share this journey with me.

2009-01-20T11:54:00.002+08:00

Whatever you lost is whatever you don't possess at first. So why mourn for the loss?
Oh, mourn for the loss still, it is painful as cut into the heart. Yet experience told us that no matter what, we will be good and recover one day.

If we mind that much about how people treated us, for good or for ill, we could hardly move our steps in this pathetic world that is filled of people who ask goodness from others yet withhold kindness from others.

This is a great phase of life... to learn to think in depth, to be able to excise self control, to be bitter over something, yet be able to persuade self back to balance. Do not run away, yet definitely do not dwell on it. Confront it with war then put down your weapon and rest your weary feet.

God is holding the ford.

God never uses anyone to a great degree until he breaks the person completely
- Streams in the Desert, 20 Jan.

Stand afar

2008-11-24T23:17:00.002+08:00

Standing from afar when you look at love
It is just hard to comprehend
Why you should lose your heart

There isn't no bliss
Only Intense and suffosication
In the whole empty hall
Your eyes fix on him

He is cool and calm
joking, laughing around
and your are transparent
Because he knows
You love him

I could not understand what kind of chemical love created in one's mind. When not in love, it just seems so childish and irritational to me.

It irritates me sometimes. But I know you love him, I do not, so don't make me your enemy, I am not.

I am just a piece of wood floats in the ocean ;)

Trust God in Failures

2008-11-17T23:55:00.003+08:00

Our ultimate goal is to become successful no matter what trade we are in. It seems it is just inbuilt in us. I admit that this is the force behind a lot of advancement in human history. Yet the hard lesson is, to me, trusting God for failures.

I am not a loser, but far from possessing successful stories. I know from my mother's eyes, and from other people's eyes that I do not have everything altogether there. I am definitely not contented with my life.

But I open my eyes realllll big, to see which part of plan I fall in in God's eyes.

I do not know how to live apart from other people's expectation. If you could live without caring about what others thinking about you, good for you. I could not. I just learn not to live solely on other's expectations.

Meanwhile, trust God for His goodness in the midst of an ordinary life.

Did God put down 40 over chapters in Job for us to learn how to endure suffering, or God is teaching us how to trust Him in suffering. There is a difference there, isn't it?

Nope, I am not in any form of suffering, though inevitably I am not heard many times.

So I start to make myself visible, sometimes, it is just not pleasing in some people's eyes. I do care about it, but it doesn't mean now that I will hide my true self because of it. To step out of the corner, that is the simplest thing I need to do long time ago.

When the world start to press in on me, making me feel as if i am the less privillege, lacking stablitiy in all aspects of my life, I step out of my life, looking at myself beyond constraint of time and space. I know, deep down inside, I am doing well...I have not been robbed of the joy to trust...

I may have doubts in people, circumstance, or future. But I have no doubt in this: He was, He is and He will always be, from everlasting to everlasting.

Be Brave

2008-11-17T23:26:00.005+08:00

It is just so habitual for me to shrink back when sensing a unfavourable situation or hidden danger. I am pretty impressed by myself that I could face up to an issue that could have got me in big trouble.

Isn't it part of healing process? I think so. I would not be able to elaborate the story behind. What's comforting is that I received strength. I am no longer THAT accommodative. That are moments I would say, "No, I don't like it, that is not right, and I will not go along with."

I still remembered the butterfly in my stomach stirring, struggling in my mind by two set of opposite opinions, the awkwardness, the embarrassment and the hurt. All of these are experience added to me.

The boldness came out of innocence that I once had and lost, is now replaced by courage comes out of difficulties in life. This time, I pray it will only increase.

To understand life- that big fight between evil and good consistantly exists; to appreciate the beauty of contradiction and paradox; to accept ourselves and others for all the goodies and all the baddies, to grow out of ruin and to smile in the face of adversity.

Nothing is easy but all is worth trying, even in tears.

Just don't quit

Kindness

2008-10-30T20:51:00.004+08:00

Kindness should never be pretentious. Agreed?

If one has to try one's best to like another person, that just implies how much one dislike the other. If you flag her as dangerous, when the initial conclusion is drawn, and the person has to be around. She is to you as a thorn in the flesh. You observe every move she swings and suspecting she is trying to do something harmful to you.

Distrust sends any relationship into distruction. We'd rather the person come to term of admitting her/his own feelings.

No one likes just anybody naturally. We always have some impression about some kind we could not show our favor to. We try to be kind. But kindness can hardly be defined as an outward action like a smile or a hug. It is to both parties' interest to keep a safe distance.

Next time you want to be kind to someone you don't like, make an effort to change your impression about the person first. 'Cause it is not her who annoys you, but how you think about her that annoys you. So spare her as well as yourself.

Maybe in that way, you can look at her objectively, and eventually you will have a chance to really like her.

Do not love someone just because you want to impress the one you love.

Love yourself.

Cheer Up

2008-10-14T09:59:00.002+08:00

Being positive is one thing, enjoying everything by nature is quite different.

One stands at the bank, looking me struggling in the water and shouted "cheer up". Another step down into the water, get wet and get dirty without a word. Which friend you prefer?

Of course the latter. Ha-ha.

Just can't help hanging around people who has such a uplifting spirit.

Peace of Mind

2008-09-25T18:26:00.002+08:00

I just do not want to rush through life...With many deadlines, it seems I have not much choice. Yup, I can always say that. But I realize, I just have to keep cool for my own sake. Once I am stressed, I could easily get a mental block and waste much more time to accomplish a task. I am stressed at my own expenses.

I try, making a effort to ask myself to slow down, not to hurry; giving myself a bit more time for things I am doing; having thorough thinking process before I start a file or write an email; pause...for the sake of just taking a pause... Life doesn't become better when I achieve more, life becomes better when I am more at peace with myself.

Gift

2008-09-23T21:37:00.003+08:00

If you friend brought you a gift, is it okay to say, 'Thanks, but I don't like it?"

I don't know what to do with T-Shirt that is too small for me. I can't return, 'cause it was bought from overseas; I can give to any one else, 'cause if I don't like it, I don't suppose anyone else would.

It is kind of dilemma for me. I know my friend is just be kind, yet I wish she didn't bring anything for me. Maybe a bookmark, a book mark is always useful for me, or maybe a pair of chopsticks with certain paint or patern that shows where is their origin. Or just nothing. Nothing is better than something I do not know what to do with it.

Am I just too picky? I should have appreciated it, I guess. I washed it and hanged it up. Maybe I will wear it when I slim down.

Ha

bygone

2008-09-22T20:56:00.002+08:00

Still love Ally McBeal, Even though it is quite a old show. It always has an happy ending mixing with a little bit sadness. It seems that it deals with constant struggle between feminist and chauvinist, rights and wrongs, morality and immorality, friendship and loneliness. It is an endless struggle anyway. We want to be free, yet many time we realize we are only free in a box. The boundary line is so thin yet so firm.

Where happiness lies? in the box? outside the box? We have one foot in, one foot out, hestitating, calculating, waiting, pondering.

We want to live life to the fullness - that is a practical joke, for we lack of the courage to go that far.

In Sunday School, one asked, why we love to retell the story of Joseph being sold to egypt as a slave, and yet after years he became the ruler of the Egypt and saved his whole family.

Because, we love happy endings. I said, half asleep. the whole class started to laugh. I don't know why. I don't see where is the laughing point.

We all love the happy ending, dont we? Is it solely Joseph's faith that we admire? What if the faith didnt lead him to that success? No one talks about simpson over and over again, because he was a total failure, wasn't he?

Love me, Lord, even when I become cynical. And I am. I lost the ability and the bliss to believe blindly. Not doctrine at least, not man at least.

Let's not talk about bygones. - We don't have to, it just becomes part of us, and part of the way we look at the world now.

Lost

2008-08-19T15:09:00.002+08:00

Out of sudden, I find myself lost.

Don't know who I am, where I am here, or what I am doing. Don't know what to ask, and where to get answer.

Empty headed. The thrill and the energy Suddenly were sucked out don't know by what. Huh~

You have a choice

2008-01-26T09:40:00.000+08:00

Do we realise how powerful the statement is?

Hardly so. It is like God allows the sun shine on both the righteous and the wicked, God allows every soul in this world to have the gift called free will.

I guess the reason God doesn't like us complainning is because we always have a choice in any situation, under any circumstance.

We just may not know the full extend of the consequence the choices bring about. We may not understand how choices link our life together and they may push us to a corner when we find we have no choice left.

A risk, the uncertain, unpredictable future could either frighten us or strengthen us.

Break Free

2008-01-18T17:04:00.001+08:00

We can be bound by too many things in this life. Yet at all time we want to break free from bondages and chains that hold us back from moving.

We travel, to see the world, only find out the global becomes smaller...
Where is the next station? Outer space? And indeed we left our footprint there.

We change our social circle, only find out no matter how we try, for certain period of time, we are only able to see certain faces every day, like it or not.

People change jobs, lifestyle, ourselves to look for the new thrills of life. And the wheel of history moves when we strive on.

Come to the end, we realize, we can only find freedom relatively within a frame. That is always the case.

Can we be satisfied by that answer?
No, never.

We will just move on whenever we find we feel too easy in one place. For as long as we sink into that stagnant of comfort, and stop pushing forward, we are doomed.

Fly

2008-01-16T16:00:00.000+08:00

God seems holding all the answers to my life in His hand and only choose to reveal to me at the right moment.

I can only smile, feeling happy and bitter at the same time. Look at the whole picture, I knew, it was prepared long before my knowledge.

Why can't You tell me earlier? Give me a hint or something, I ask.
You knew it all the while in your heart.

Standing at the edge of the cliff, you do not know what awaits you when your toes push back the ground and jump. When you are falling, afraid, instinctively you open up your arms, and found out...
you have wings
you can fly

I am more ready than I think, I am more prepared than I know.

Mr Pip

2008-01-05T10:28:00.000+08:00

My friend stuck at work, and I stuck with the newly borrowed book, Mr Pip.

After reading through one-third of it, I came to understand the claim printed on the cover was not referring to this book, but to Great Expectation written by Charles Dickens.

Mr Pip is a story narrated from this little black girl Matilda's angle, who lived in a remote South Pacific island. There was some uprising between two military troops that threaten people's lives. Though at times when it was safe, kids in the village would go to school and taught by this white guy nicked, Pop Eye because of his pop eyes.

This guy was the only white in the island, stayed with his wife who was one of the local. No one knew about where he was from and what he was doing here. But after the teacher of the school ran away upon the rumors of the war, he voluntarily re-opened the school. He was not a proper trained teacher, though kids liked to listen to his reading of the book (that can change your life for ever), Great Expectations... ...

I glued to reading Mr Pip, little did I mind about my friend being late. With so many strange contemporary novels in the market, Mr Pip brought me to the small island, stared at the crystal blue sea, and smelled the salt that carried by sea breeze.

Bottle neck

2008-01-04T16:05:00.000+08:00

Go to library very often nowadays. Looking for inspiration. What I have in mind are little pieces, could not even link up to a story. I got so stress out that pimples popped out on my jaw. But I still couldn't think of anything.

Went home early yesterday after work, took out frozen food from fridge, changed into T-shirt and shorts. I walked to the Library nearby my home. Nearby, it means 20 minute-walk. The weather was cooling and breezing. I also took it as exercise, better than jogging aimlessly.

Didn't get much inspiration, but came across a book called "Mister Pip" by Lloyd Jones. There on the cover it says, "A book can change your life for ever". I raised up my eye brows, that was a very daring claim. I was also very much drawn to by the cover, sandy brown base, tree branches, flowers.

While I got hold of the book, something else drew my attention : the cafeteria! And I couldn't care much about main course first, dessert later. I decided to reverse the order. Since I didn't mind no one should have objected it.

There I was, ordered a piece of Oreo cheese cake, much satisfied by the empty lobby, my book and the cheese cake.

I still didn't get any inspirations. So what, though. Since I have to stay at bottle neck for a while, may as well enjoy it.

Wedding

2008-01-03T11:55:00.000+08:00

I saw all the familiar faces. It was like a small church service.

I was quite busy. was holding two roles: The mandarin MC and the PowerPoint control.

Got hold of the copy of the script at about 6pm, met with the English MC for the first time and the wedding was about to start in an hour's time. I needed to familiarize with all the power point slides, the English MC and practice with him the wedding script all within the precious hour. Didn't have time to be sentimental and share the joy with the newlywed. Didn't have time to feel anything.

The English MC is groom's cousin. Found out from him that the couple are in Australia, came back just for the wedding. The groom's mother was doing the planning. I suspected that they didn't really mind not to have a wedding in the first place...

The English MC was quite helpful. He managed to grip on everything, I just needed to follow his lead.

However, it was a joyous occasion.

I made quite a few mistakes that I realized a few second after I spilled out the words. Surprisingly I didn't have any stage fret.

The restaurant looked ordinary but the food wasn't bad at all.

That was how I spent my first day of 2008.

First Assignment in New Year: Interpreter in a Wedding

2007-12-31T09:24:00.000+08:00

Will be the Interpreter in a Wedding that I know nothing about the bride and the groom. The parents are my church members.

They told me they will email me the script of the programme. And I have been checking my email from last night.

8:30pm, no email
9:45pm, no email
12:31am, no email

I checked again this morning when I came down to office

No email.

I am not crossed, but.

AT LEAST GIVE ME SOMETHING TO WORK ON FIRST!

Haha....Happy New Year!

The answer is not in the wind

2007-12-31T00:11:00.000+08:00

With every year passing by, we receive news about people's passing on. Sometimes, you don't even have time to feel sad about it.

The more I receive the news, the more I treasure the fact of me being alive, the more I am aware that my time is racing up.

28 years, fling away like a dream, like a sigh.

With the newbirth of my nephew, I know, he will soon be walking by himself, talking, going to primary school, growing into a young tall man.

Life...death, we are perpetually in the transition period.

Yet, do not live as those who are without hope. This time, I could hear the small still voice.

So what am I going to do with my time in between?

Smile, I guess, I already know the answer.

The longest distance

2007-12-30T01:45:00.000+08:00

"The longest distance on earth is not from north pole to south pole, but the distance between heart to heart. For some reason, with years gone by, with all the adding up of our age, we started to build up walls of defences in our heart, to protect ourselves from hurt and pain."

Guess where this was taken from? A Korean Drama series.

Nowadays it seems that Korean soap opera are not only targeted at house wife, but more of the single working-class women who are around 29~33. Therefore they would add more sophiscated lines in to somehow make it appealing to this age group.

Oh yeah, they would somehow make the girl fall in love with someone younger, poorer, competing with someone more mature and stable finacially.

Their job is to fulfill people's fantacy, fairy tales that could hardly happen in real life to maximize their profit margin. They somehow succeeded. Well, I am one of the fans of Korean drama also. So does my dad.

Everyone is attending to his life with intention and purpose.

Friend complained, I am not working for this person any more. For he makes mistakes that people in his age would not make. I could learn nothing from him.

Well, look at myself, I was so many times pondering over change my job because I felt I am getting nothing out of it.

I do not know if it is wrong or right, and it is hardly about wrong or right. The irony part is: we all are afraid of people who approach us with certain agenda, yet we try to justify ourselves if we do likewise.

In this sense, I do admire those people who are doing certain things thinking not about gain or loss.

Though I found very little existence of such a person.

We all want to have better life, we just do not know how to define it. For while we are in our better life, we don't think it is 'better'.

I could really understand mentality of profit-consciouness is one of reason this 'small red dot' could survive through the economic depression and pick up fast within these few years.

Though our spirtual life are often suffered. While we have so much material blessings, the inner man is starving, as skinny as the children in some parts of famine area in Africa. And instead of building up our heart, we choose to build walls around, high fences with electric net on top.

We treasure the time we could really laugh, sincerely smile and truly love, time when we dont have to travel far to another person's heart.

Train Disruption

2007-12-27T17:17:00.000+08:00

Christmas Day.

"Train disruption. The service between Yew Tee to Woodlands stopped for a hour. I thought I was going to be very late."
"What happened?"
"Dunno, it was announced that there was 'accidence' or something"
"Someone jumped off the platform?"
"Crazy, who will do that on Christmas morning? It could be technical problem"
"If it was technical problem, they should have announced it as technical problem, shouldn't they?"
Shrugged.

I realized my friend was right, when I was reading LianHeZaobo today: someone jumped off the platform, not once, but twice, successfully lost his left leg at the second attempt.

At right side of the news report, there was a photo captured a few policemen. One of them managed to stare at the camera at the moment of snapshot. "say cheese", He wasn't smiling.

What happened to that person who jumped off the platform? What drove him to such despair? Why Christmas morning? How much determination caused him jump down twice? Who were the people flipping through his mind at that slip second of jumping? What he was thinking he was finally hit by the train? Does he have any family members? friends? Anyone he can turn to for help? Is there anyone with him in the hospital now?

I can not judge a person who thinks life is so unbearable and give it up totally. And I do not know how to sympathize with him either. Not that I do not feel for him, but do not know how-to.
The world is still spinning nevertheless. Flipping through pages of the papers:

Birth rate is going up
87,000 Singaporean have not signed up for GST Credits
Tsunami 3 years anniversary was commemorated
NTUC occupied 3 pages to list out all the promotion items
Pope is praying for world peace
There were still errors in the papers, escaping from the editor's eyes.

And I still have not done with my gifts shopping.

Random...

Someone walked in office now. Interrupted my train of thoughts. Now I lost the point that I wanted to say.

Whatever. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

And.. .. ..

World peace.

A cup of hot coffee in a dry winter day

2007-12-26T13:47:00.000+08:00

"Let there be but a moment's leaning of the head upon that gracious bosom, and a reception of His divine love into our poor cold hearts, and we are cold no longer, but glow like seraphs, equal to every labour, and capable of every suffering."

- Taken from Charles Spurgeon's Morning Devotion 26 December.

Do you like it?

Good writings are as this: when you glance through the passage, you don't read words, you see images in your head, you taste it and leave it on your tongue for a while like good wine. They catch you till you savor the last word and you will go back and read through all over again.

Spiritual truths are often hard to illustrate. Yet here Charles Spurgeon put it in the way making you feel like cupping a hot mug of aromatic coffee in a dry cold winter day.

scars makes us stronger for life

2007-12-24T00:19:00.000+08:00

It was real pain, no joke and it choked me often.

Was there any easy way out? I screamed out from the deep of my lung, but it was a prayer with an answer,

Nope.

And the 'nope' was so quiet, that I chose not to hear it at all.

Felt like a fly caught by a child and was prisoned in a glass bottle. The freedom outside was so real yet so out of reach. The more I hit the glass wall, the more open wounds I got from struggling.

There was no way I could prevent certain thing from happening.

And the cause of the pain finally became unimportant. It was the pain that I was getting used to that made me panicked.

.... ....

I am not the same any more. It is pointless to pretend nothing had happen. It left scars on me. And I know for a while, I would be afraid to open myself again to someone else.

But in certain sense, I am tougher...knowing that there isn't any river we can not cross over.

Friend said, test is not for God to know how faithful we are, but for ourselves to know where we really are. Pain is a good sign that we are much alive.

I learn: whatever things have gone out of my hand are held by God.

I would not be able to help you stand up.

God will.

More Surprise? - Be patient with life, and life will be patient with you

2007-12-23T23:15:00.000+08:00

"Someone received a gift!!"

I turned around and looked at him, standing by my table, he was pointing to the CD he placed there.

I kinda stunned. I've never thought that I would receive a gift from him.

I walked over and picked it up "Hill Song"

"Hi, you never wrap it."

"Hey, I did, see the ribbon"

"Ribbon only, but you wrapped all the others"

"Pls, first time see the one who received the gift accused the giver showing favoritism."

I turned around, nope, I was not unhappy about the wrapping, just surprised and didn't know how to react to it.

"I thought you don't quite like Hill Song"

"Well, it is a gift, not about if I like it, you like it right?"

I have not been gracious to him, and I never thought he would care about me. Guess that is why I treasured the gesture of friendship so much.

I found I am still a child in understanding of human relationships. I felt sorry about my prejudice, not only through this event alone, but many more that are happening in life.

Often jumped to conclusion too fast, about what or whom I like or don't.

Too much pride to make it hard to swallow...haha...

A precious lesson to learn, always be open and be gracious.

Accepted!

2007-12-21T23:55:00.000+08:00

I was touched and moved. I thought I would be rejected. When I saw more than one person seconded the motion, I saw so many hands raised up high, and I saw the wink from Ps G, I buried half of my face in my hands, I would not cry any more, even for joy. All my worries and anxieties were swept away to the furthest end of the earth.

Time to go mountain top... haha...maybe...as long as the Lord walk with me.

Step by step,
My Lord and I.

Wonder, how could you live without Jesus?

Remember the VBS song?

No one could take my Jesus away...woooooha!

I like what Chales Spurgeon written in 20 Dec Morning Devotion. Go and read it!

1 little, 2 little, 3 little indians

2007-12-21T22:59:00.000+08:00

Jolly like a bird and I truly flew over the rainbow.

"Smile, and pass the word on" KC nudged me by his elbow.
"I'm smiling" I grinned my teeth and spoke in my heart.

How could I not?

I was filled with so much joy that I could hardly contain it. Looking at the people who were eating and enjoying our carolling, I was the happiest person in the world: the joy of declaring to the world about my Lord, without fear, without shame. I was too happy to feel hungry.

Joy to world, and heaven is indeed in my heart.

I have no idea what kind of Christmas this year would be. No expectations. Yet I received so many surprises.

Prelude: I was changed inside out. The last period of mourning and tears washed away all the sense of rejection that piled up over the years. Finally, I know what the Lord was concerned about while bringing me through the whole 2007: my heart. There were so much hurt and wounds were exposed under sun. Healing truly started and loads were taken off my shoulder.

I started to understand what Pastor Joseph Prince said during one of the sermons: it really doesn't matter how people think about you. What is essential is how much you know about your identity in Christ. As sinful as we are, yet the Lord had mercy on us: we are accepted and loved. It is easy to know it by mind, it is so much harder to know it by heart until I finally see the end of tunnel. (I started to digest a lot of Joseph Prince sermons after I left that church. Well, whatever people think about that church, I was and have been blessed)

Well, enough say, to put it in detail, I could write a book. HAHA.

I received my first Christmas gift in the morning, something I've wanted, though never mentioned about it to anyone.

The 2nd Christmas gift was my results! I didn't have any confidence in my 2 papers. I was very reluctant to check my results until the last five minitues before I knocked off. The server was extremely slow, my heart has flewn to the FH for the carolling prac. When IE finally loaded everything and spread the results sheet on the screen, I started to scream. I got maxium 5 GPA for both courses I took: one graded A+, the other is A. Joy was like a volcano bursting forth.

The 3rd Christmas gift was hanging on my door, refreshed me. Went home after carolling, humming the songs still, I saw a little silk-white gift bag on my door knot. I have two more colors added in my nail polish collection! Haha... she knew I like it, even though I seldom wear it because it may not be appropriate in my working place. But I like all the colors anywhere. She remembered it.

Can you imagine what kind of rainbow color heart I have now, even now.

If this is that much I could receive for this year, I am content.

Stop pursuing what you don't have, and be happy with what God has blessed you with. As simple as that. When I turn around, turn my back to where I was taken granted for, I realized I am loved, I am treasured and I am favoured not by man, but by God.

Tell me, what else is more important than that?

Christmas Isnt Christmas till It Happen in our Heart

2007-12-21T09:51:00.000+08:00

Received my first Christmas gift. Something aromatic and warm, guess what it is?

Not food!

Well, I can give myself a lot excuses not to do Christmas gift shopping, like I don't have the habit to celebrate Christmas in the past, like I do not know what to buy, like bugdet concerns, whatever. But as the gift receiver, I know that it is not about the gift, but the thought that someone has you in mind.

A simple guesture of love carries you far.

There I go, preparing a name list and going shopping Saturday to pass forward the warmthness that I received this beautiful morning.

With luv,
Ann

A tribute to Hans Christian Andersen

2007-12-20T02:19:00.001+08:00

I love him when I was 7, holding the children's fairytales in my hand, I shed my tears for the little march girl.

I love him when I saw the little ugly duckling bullied by ducks, chicken, cats and dogs. He put a smile on my face when the duckling turned out to be a swan.

I love him when I felt lost together with the little mermaid, what is love that she could forsake her own happiness with her family? What is good about to be counted in human race?

I love him when I turned 28 and when I finally understand his fairy tales are not for children but for adults. He speaks still today.

I remember him when I was rejected, bullied, lost my self-confidence. I take comfort in his way of telling story when I felt the pain the little mermaid felt, when I finally understand what she was after.

I love him, that gentle, quiet spirit, never given up hope, even through the coldest, the darkest hour, even life had to end. Yet there was still a little ray of light from a little march, eased the stink of death and brought about eternal peace and security.

Waiting for love

2007-12-20T01:35:00.000+08:00

There are 3 types of love: agape, phileo and eros.

Agape is uncondictional love, love from God.
Philio is brotherly love, I guess it is to me, somehow deeper than friendship. Friendship is fraigile.
Eros is love between a man and a woman.

We don't understand agape, we delude phileo, and what we talk about the most is eros.

Love, we speak about it so loosely, until it lose its original sacredness. The world is spinning too fast, everyone is afraid of being left behind. We are trying all kinds of things to subsititute love. Namely? Oh well, you name it. We resolve it to lust, to food, to drink, to work, to emptiness, to idling on the street, to religions, to anything that can fill that place, and we think we've done a good job to manage or cover up our despair well.

Yet, deep down inside, we are still hungry for love, true love, real love that is so precious that we are not sure if we could take the risk of our whole life to wait till it comes.

You know, that is just a myth, there isn't anything called true-love-of-life. Don't waste your time, affection only last for longest two years...
I close my eyes

You know, you are not young any more, can you afford to wait some more?
I close my ears

Aren't you tired? Walk pass those who love you and love those who don't treasure your love, falling in and out of love, maybe you should just be single for the rest of your life.
I close my mouth

But I do not know how to close my heart. I do not know how to pull anyone on the street by his neck and ask, could you be my love?

I am stubbornly, sternly believe it will come.

If I could believe something beyond life, I could also believe love still exist in this life.

The little mermaid waited for it. It costed her life. She became bubbles running with all the children of air in the sky. I didn't understand her when I was young. Years passed by like a glimpse. Though years were not wasted. I understand her now.

I smile, maybe that is the worst I could expect. Become bubbles, though the idea of becoming bubbles is appealing to me, I know it wouldn't happen.

If I have to wait till the day I see Lord Jesus Christ face to face and stay in agape forever. So be it. That to me, at least, a happy ending.

"The very hairs of your head are all numbered" So does Bible say.

As long as God is on His throne, shining His face upon me. Why the hurry?

Strolling along the way back to office.

2007-12-19T12:57:00.001+08:00

Satisfied with Fried Beehoon and Kopi-O. I walked back to the office. It was so uplifting to stroll under the sun after a few days, or weeks, which I couldn't remember, of rain. Not that I do not like rain, but this kind of non-stop rain covered everything with the layer of saddening gray. Though I am not fond of tropical Sun, it was rather appealing and encouraging to me at this point.

I thought along the way. What better thing to do but to think while you are strolling. What is bothering me now was a casual comment from a friend, "It just that I am not so interested in some of things you write."

I am not bothered about if my writings are interesting or not. I know that no one is able to please every reader. I do show my fair share of favouritism in books I read. But rather, I wish to know why I want to write at this point.

What kind of message do I wish to convey?

Be Cheerful, Be Bright, Be Pretty

2007-12-18T11:57:00.000+08:00

I am happy for you if you earn your right to whine, to be depressed and sad. I do that often as well.

Sometimes it tires you so much to keep a smile. Yet, I still try.

Guess, it doesn't take any faith to know how evil the world it, how repetitive our lives are and how depressive of whatsoever is going on around the world. Yet, I still believe that God bestows us the ability to survive through the coldest winter.

Being alive is the result of God's trust and our perseverance.

I watch Animal Planet often. Many times I am simply touched and encouraged by the way animals pressing on for life, they never give up any slimmest chance in the most unfavorable environment. Many of us quit easily, and shame on us.

Putting my hand on my chest and feeling my heart beating there, still, that to me, is the greatest miracle.

My 2-Cent-Worth

2007-12-09T22:28:00.000+08:00

Well I don't really need your two cents.

On Happiness

What do you get from ATM?

Money?

ATM nearby my block. While I heard the machine counting money inside, I saw this on the screen:

To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness
-Bertrand Russell

I started to laugh and I knew the person behind me was staring at my back, clueless.

Only God has this sense of humor. And Only God knew why I was laughing:

I knew how true it is.

A lot of things didn't come my way in the past few months. Yet when I come to my sense, I feel more thankful than disappointed. I am really sure now that God knows the best. Should things happen differently, I may be in for a serious heartache. Should I run after my selfish desire, I may be not as peaceful as I am now. I may be striped of my self-worth totally. Though self-esteem is what I have, or say, all I have at this stage of life.

I observed things around me, I took good look at myself. I know evil is presenting everywhere. In me, oh yeah. There isn't anyone more righteous than another: some of us are really good at hiding, some of us are more blunt about it.

Sinners in need of grace: we all are. Self-righteousness is really a filthy rag.

Yes, I am still talking about happiness. So it is a trend now, people say, as long as I am happy. Though our happiness a lot of times is building on our wants. We hope we are the solar system by ourselves, don't we?

I will be happy as long as the things happen the way I want it. Yet when it really happen, we start to aim something else as our happiness.

WE WILL NEVER BE HAPPY!

Sadly.

Though life is a sheer boredom if all we've got is happiness.

On Friendship

It is the most fragile relationship of all.

You can hate your father who beat you up when you were young, hate your mother for nagging you. Hate your wife becoming more and more like your mother, hate your husband becoming more and more like your father. Yet, we are still related. No matter how we feel, we still concern them more than we realize.

Friends, oh well, friends. We try to share happiness and tears. When I need you the most, where are you? Yet I could not by any sense hold you responsible. After all, a few months ago, we were just mere stranger.

Of course friendship could also be the most lasting relationship. Though it takes time, years after years. Like good red wine, 79 is more valuable than 84.

Do I feel sorry about friends lost along the way?
Yes, I do.

Did I lose my faith in friendship?
No, I didn't.

But I learn to see it as it is. No more, no less. Expectation is the killer in friendship. Don't be too disappointed when you are left behind. Forgive if you can, forget if you need to.

Move on with your life if you think it is not worth fighting for.

On Love

Another fragile and delicate relationship.

It comes like a breeze, it will soon be gone like whirlwind. Don't be too caught up before you get married. There are a lot of struggles await you

After you make that vow;
After you commit your life;
After you leave your father and mother,
and become one with the other.

Save before you make withdrawal. Don't spend on what you don't have. Common sense right?
Save your tears for the love of your life;
Save your pain for the love of your life;
Save your care for the love of your life;
Save your attention for the love of your life.
And yes, save your virginity.
I am serious.

All the withdraws will start when the pastor allows you to kiss your bride.

Happy ever after? Takes faith.

My December

2007-12-08T11:21:00.001+08:00

Saimon

2007-12-06T23:05:00.000+08:00

What do a friend do? He will say something that is good for you even though he knows you do not want to listen...

LOL...how to know if your friend is truly a friend. When he points out something he observes without worrying about offending you. He tells the truth right on your face and has the assurance that you know his heart. Well, you will get a bit offended right at the moment, or trying to justify or defend yourself a bit. But, you will think and muzzle on his word. You know he is right, and you will listen.

When you are falling off a cliff thinking you are falling into happiness, friend will pull you back no matter how much you want to struggle out of his hand.

And you do not have to be composed and collective always in front of a friend. If he says something that makes you feel bad, you will let him know right at his face. He will laugh, and tell you, "I don't mean that."

I don't trust people easily. But good friends do stay. no matter what.

Thank you, buddy.

To a Friend

2007-12-06T18:45:00.000+08:00

Song I am listening now: The Prayer

My prayer is no matter how many times:

Life shattered your dreams,
Lies hurted your heart,
Pains paralyzed your hope,
Setbacks beat you down each time you stood up,

You will still stand up and stand strong...

Sorry for the moment that I lost myself in pain.
Thanks for that shoulder that kept me strong.

I have packed up my sorrow and tears and sent them away to the north pole together with the bears.

This time, for real.

Remember

2007-12-06T10:30:00.001+08:00

Received an old friend's offlines. Very refreshing, feels like soaking in cold stream in a hot summer day.

A few years just leaked out through our typing fingers and aimless eyes.

Catch-ups, changes and those things about us that will never change.

With so many friends lost along the way, I really really do not wish to lose more. Whoever I can hold on to, I will. There are things we do not wish to let go, like friendship that once touched the innermost of our heart. Tears and joy, quarrells and misunderstandings, shared dreams and visions, disappointments and heartaches are all precious even though we only have a small part of life overlapping, even though I may not have a chance to see you face to face in this life time. Take Care. and leave me some offlines if you don't see me around.

A song in my heart

2007-12-06T10:21:00.000+08:00

There is, always a song in my heart. It could be a cheerful song, or a sad one, really depends my mood in that period of time.

When everything goes fine, I will sing Someday Over the Rainbow, when I am down I will sing the song sung by Fantine in Les Misérables, I Have a Dream. Or sometimes I will hum on San Yanzi's latest album while I take long strolls enjoying the evening breeze.

Sometimes I will sing Trust His heart when I am afraid of something or worry about something... Or when I lost my way in life, I will sing Thy Word.

Songs do change from time to time. Sometimes I remember old songs, sometimes I learn new.

Someday I will wish upon the star...

2007-12-06T10:13:00.000+08:00

I have friends who are good writers. Sometimes I do feel my english writings are rather childish comparing to theirs. But never mind, I will keep on writing till I am good.

I always try to talk them into publishing their works. I really think that it is a waste for them to just write it and keep it without boarder group of readers to enjoy it.

But I, myself, am always hesitating to send my own chinese thingy out to press. I do not know what I am afraid about. So, I do understand their fustration: we think we are never good enough.

Must break this kind of thinking pattern if we really wish our dreams would come true one day.

And the dreams that we dare to dream,
REally do come true...

DO it NOW!

2007-12-05T17:05:00.001+08:00

The rain never stops... ...

"Why do you believe?"

2007-12-05T15:06:00.001+08:00

I looked into his eyes through his specs.
"Because He died for me."
"That is just a story, that's just a myth."
I turned my face and looked out of window, buildings flashed backwards. "and He rose again," looking up to the sky, "and He is alive even now."

Why do I believe? I have not asked myself this question for a few years. Woke up at 6:00am, it was still dark outside, I opened up the Bible to 1 John.

1 John 5:9
If we receive the witness of men, the witness of God is greater; for this is the witness of God which He has testified of His son. He who believes in the Son of God has the witness in himself; he who does not believe God has made Him a liar, because he has not believed the testimony that God has given of His Son.

Christianity is hardly a religion. And trust me, it was of my own choice, BUT hardly depended on my free will. Those who believe will testify: the significant moment they bow to Jesus Christ, was the point that they knew they didn't receive the testimony from mere man.

Myth, nope, mystery, yes.

I could never explain why tears rolled down my cheeks when I read about His prayer in garden of Gesathmane; why my heart swelled with joy when I read about the day the disciples eye-withnessed the empty tomb.

Why do I believe? I think it would be good that I am asked of this question from time to time.

It would be meaningless if I tried to defend the authority of the Bible by explaining the whole process of how Bible Canon was come about and how precise it is. The desire of knowing all about this came after faith. And trust me, I had my fair share of a prolong period of reasoning, trying my best to make sense out of it.

There isn't any grey area to stand on. Either we believe it or we make God a liar. If He was, woe is me, and woe to those who followed Him and were persercuted or martyred in the past 2000 over years .

That is what makes Christianity offensive.

A hostile death, a willing sacrifice, a living Savior.

That is why I believe.

Yah, there are many things don't happen the way I want it. But eventually heaven and earth will pass away. What is a big deal to me now is petty in the eyes of eternity. No one will remember my tears a few years later. I, myself may be forgotten, should one day I leave this world.

Though I am holding on to a blessed assurance: I know where I am heading to when my journey here ends.

Now I wonder...

2007-12-05T09:55:00.001+08:00

If we are asking too much from life while life has been very gracious.

Happiness is what we shouldn't pursue if it is built up upon satisfication of selfish desires. Or maybe happiness only comes when we are putting other people's interests in front of our own?

In that sense, I will cease to be critical about my life. I'd rather be a seemly unhappy person at this moment with the hope that one day I will be able to account my life in front of God.

And let Him be the judge.

Your life is so much better

2007-12-03T16:34:00.000+08:00

My friend told me. Haha...I was 'huh?'...taken aback at first. I thought I am quite miserable now.

Yet, I guess what he said unintentionally woke me up.

Yup...I just don't see how good my life is. I just am blinded for so long and forget that my life is well cared for, I am well loved.

Why chase after the wind, while your love is right behind you. Turn around and take a good look of my life.

I agree! My life is so much better!

I know I am bought, I know I am loved, I know where I should run to when hitting bottom of life, I know whom to cry, I know whose shoulder I can depend on, I know whose love will never withdrawn from me.

You remind me, from the mouth of someone who doesnt know you, of your lovingkindness.

My life is soooo much better than I think.

RESTORE to me the joy of the Lord, for the joy of the Lord is my strength.

Thanksgiving Dinner

2007-12-03T15:15:00.000+08:00

Dinner was on last Saturday night. Carol called me at 6:20, "Where are you, Ann?" I was deep in my afternoon nap...lol...

We have two American couples in our SS class. Thus they come out with an idea of spending a traditional thanksgiving night with all of us. they are the chef! It was held at Todd's place.

It was such a hearty feast. Food that I couldn't name. The corn muffin is way much nicer than the ones we buy in Kenney Roger. I love the green beans, the turkey was the best I ever tasted. Sweet potato pudin. The Mashed potato was a plus plus point. I didnt want to eat it at first. All I remember about mashed potato are the taste I try in KFC or some of the steak restaurant. I thought nothing was special about this one. Until Awyong had the second serving, I started to be curious, took a bit at first and I was totally impressed. I didn't know mashed potato can taste so good!

Tim showed his cooking skill by presenting us American "biscuit". Don't get it wrong, it is not the normal concept of cookie type of thingy. It is actually bread with nice texture. This is something Keelee longed for so long which you won't find any where in Singapore.

<-this is the kind of 'biscuit' i am talking about.

And the dessert...Hmmmmmmmmmm~~~~

We ate and ate till full satisfication, till our stomach started to blow up.

But what I really took home was what Tim said.

After eating, we still crowded at table side, just in case we still can find some place in our stomach to stuff in more. Tim started to ask us to share about what we feel thankful for. Of cos I shared about the little boy who made me feel grateful by saying "thank you". The rest all shared some heart-warming happenings in their own life.

At end of sharing Tim said, "we all talked about things that bring us comfort that we feel very thankful about, which, yes, they are all blessing from God. How about...how about those things in life that make us extremely uncomfortable, how about challenges and difficulties? How about unpleasant encounters and nasty situation, those 'valley moment'. Shouldn't we be thankful that those are the times we drew near to God and call on His name. Those are the moment when our faith is tested and refined through the fire..."

I looked at him and looked around the table. All of us maybe just a face in a crowd to other people, but the Lord knows each one of us by name, knows each of our struggles in life. And we all know that for the past year, all of us were all not smooth sailing. We were struggling in our own world with sweat and tears, worries and anxieties, pain and sorrows.

But we know, we should be more thankful for those things in life than the ones bring us joy. it is through tough time, we grow, closer to each other, stronger, and most of all, closer and closer to the Lord.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will hear you
- Jeremiah 29:11

So did we all smile, some with tears in our eyes.

Praise the Lord for He is good, and His mercy endureth forever.

Baby

2007-12-03T11:11:00.000+08:00

Sis' pregnacy is due this month.

We are all quietly waiting for the new little life to come.

:) Shhhhhhhh

Where are you?

2007-12-03T10:20:00.000+08:00

A Priceless Reward

2007-12-03T00:53:00.000+08:00

Life indeed has been kind to me.

VBS brought me a lot of comfort these few days. Hearing children all around just cheered me up. Hearing children and knowing that I don't have to deal with them, BONUS...lol...many helpers fell sick after VBS. Children could be quite devilish sometimes :p

Though I had encountered this boy that warmed my heart until now. He is 8, was having fever when the camp commandor brought him to my care. I sat him down on the office chair next to me. My supervisor bought temometer back and we tested him: 38.6...low fever. but still he looked pale and sad.

Camp commandor brought in some noodles, he didn't know how to feed himself while half lying on the big chair. So I fed him, and he's not full yet. I went out and took some curry chicken with potatoes. He ate up the potatoes, left the chicken there, and he put his right thumb up.

"You want more?"He nodded his head. I brought in somemore, and he finished them all!

SEEMED he would be alright soon if he still could eat.

Ezra came in and started to play chess with his father. The boy poked at me, and whispered at my ear, "I know how to play chess..." So I shouted, "Ezra, you want to play chess with this 8-year-old?." I had a sense that he might be a better player than Ezra. And INDEED HE IS. LOL

The second day, lunch time, he was peeking in through the window of the door. I went over and open the door, there he was, jumping, shaking,

"I drank apple juice last night, I ate dinner, and I had medicine."
"I slept at 8:54"
"Mom tested me this morning, 36.7"
"Oh~ re~ally? so you are ok now!"
"Yes!" He nodded. I knew he's ok for he talked a lot, unlike yesterday he only nodded and did thumb-ups...haha
"Great! So you joined your friends this morning and had fun, didn't you?"
"Ermm..." He nodded again and started to run till about 5 steps away from me, he stopped and turned back,"And, thank you for taking care of me!" And ran away again

This time, he disappeared from my sight.

I smiled, put my hand on my chest, felt the warmth.

Thank you instead.

How many children would know to drop by and say thanks?
No, not asking for that. But when you do get it in return, it is to you, a priceless reward.

Ezra

2007-12-03T00:48:00.000+08:00

Ezra is the cutest 11-year-old I have ever known. He has been running in and out of office. He is always munching on something. A true kitchen helper, helping to eat.He had 5 hashbrowns inclusive the one that was alotted to me!Lol, well, I didnt want to eat anyway.

He read books sometimes, played chess with his father sometimes, corrected my English pronouciation sometimes, peaking at me through upper gap of his specs sometimes, waiting for me to go for lunch and played computer games on my pc sometimes, talked to me often, made me laugh often.

Well, he indeed needs to say nothing at all. I would laugh when I see him coming into office every morning, then he goes "WHAT!" He made my days.

We had a lot of nice chats, like this one:

"My compo sucks"
"Why did you say that"
"I got 12 over 20 last year"
"You got problem orgainizing the sentenses?"
"Nope"
"Grammar errors?"
"Nope"
"What teacher said?"
"Hmm... the story goes like this: a girl was choked in a restraurant while eating..."
"Alright"
"...And the embulance came and sent the girl to ER"
"That sounds fine"
"The problem was with the ending"
"What about the ending? The girl died?"
"Nope, the girl was saved"
"Sounds fine to me..."
"But the parents died in the car accident on the way to ER while they drove themselves!"

I stared at him, blinked my eyes.He blinked back. And we started to laugh together. We laughed so loud even people outside of office could hear us.

I want to read his compo!

Somewhere over the rainbow

2007-11-27T17:02:00.000+08:00

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true

Some day I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me

Where troubles melt like lemondrops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

The Prayer

2007-11-26T10:55:00.000+08:00

I pray you'll be our eyes, and watch us where we go.
And help us to be wise in times when we don't know
Let this be our prayer, when we lose our way
Lead us to a place, guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe

La luce che tu dai nel cuore restera
A ricordarci che L'eterna stella sei
Nella mia preghiera quanta fede c’è

Lead us to a place, guide us with your grace
Give us faith so we’ll be safe

Sogniamo un mondo senza violenza piu
Un mondo di giustizia e di speranza
Ognuno dia la mano al suo vicino
OgniunoSimbolo di pace, di fraternita

La forza che ci da
We ask that life be kind
And watch us from above
And hope each soul will find
Another soul to love
Let this be our prayer,
Just like every child

E la fede che
Hai acceso in noi,
Sento che ci salverà

晚餐

2007-11-26T02:58:00.001+08:00

如若有时间，我还是会自己做晚餐。常有人问，一个人怎么做，做多做少都不好，还不如在外面吃，新加坡多方便。可是，对于我来说，享受的即是制作的过程。吃不吃得完已不重要。

常常是看冰橱还有什么，然后再自己搭配。蘑菇可以炒灌肠，加一点胡萝卜，加一点青辣椒调调色。有青菜，有鱼丸，好，放点姜，加点味噌就是汤。主食呢？不想吃饭，便和了一点面粉。

炒蘑菇用的是涂面包的牛油，这种蘑菇是西式，吃意大利面时常吃得到的。把蒜爆香，西式配料，中式料理方式。结果炒出来竟然是黑黑的，并没有炒糊，却有炒糊的样子。不紧要，能吃就好。

鱼丸青菜味噌汤比较简单。因颜色单调，便加了两只虾。

面粉和了是用来做煎面饼，却别出心裁的放入萝卜碎,青辣椒碎，芝麻，一把早餐麦片，一点蘑菇碎，一把瓜子……再加一个蛋。放一点点油，煎出来别有风味。

其实，生活也是这样。常常是现有的材料，互相搭配，买菜时其实想做的是那个，可是做饭的当儿就改变了主意。计划得在好，有变化也不要在意。想象是一个味道，把材料凑在一起却变成另一种味道。即使努力的结果与预想的不一样，也要坦然处之，毕竟我们可以努力，但也有很多因素是不在我们的控制范围内的。什么味道都好，只要用心生活，就不会有遗憾。

其实一顿晚餐，并不是为了填饱肚子才做。当然，是吃不完的．

Angel's Face

2007-11-26T02:04:00.000+08:00

Kids are pure, when they are happy, they are happy, when they are sad, they are sad, when they like you, they hug you and kiss you, then they don't, they will turn their back to you and hide behind their parents.

That is why I like kids, they smell so much like heaven. We forgot how it is like along the way, and life becomes complicated: joy, sorrow, tears and laughter all jumble together.

I was in the bus, he was in a black car, on his mothers lap. He saw me, and glared at me. I saw him and wave my hand. He smiled and blushed and turned his face away. After a few second, he turned back and peeked at me. I smiled again. He turn to his father and ask for something. His father passed him a little box, he tapped the little box on the car window. It is a little box of raisin. He looked at me, looked at the box and said something.

Of cos I couldn't hear him. He was in the car, I was in the air-con bus. But of cos, I heard him, he wanted to share his snack with me.

Then red light was off, green light was on, my bus started to move, and I wave my hand saying good bye.

I think I met an angel who wanted to share his snack with me. A friendship built up within seconds.

Confrontation

2007-11-23T23:07:00.001+08:00

When I was in primary school, there was a small group of 7 girls who were very close to each other. They called themselves "7 fairies". I know it is rather childish. Oh well, we were children anyway.

Unfortunely, I was NOT one of them. I HARDLY like them, for they are the bullies in the class. They just generally bullied and mocked anyone that they were not happy about. I tried to keep away from them. And there were moderate peace between me and them. In fact there was a period of time I was rather closed with one of the girls. Until...

It was just another day in school. Nothing unusual happen. I was reading my book during recess time. And I overheard arguements between a boy in the class and the 7 girls. The boy was quite a pain to everyone, so I wasn't really pay attention to what was going on.

Then I heard the boy shouted "ouch' in pain, I turned my head and saw 7 of them cornered the boy at the back of the class. One girl was kicking the boy at the stomach. I gathered she had kicked a few times before I turned and looked. There was when I couldn't stand. I stood up, walking all the way back to the corner.

"Stop it" I said, "Or else I will call the teacher."

One of the girl who was once close to me came and rub my shoulder, "you will not, you don't like him either", she pointed to the boy.

"I said stop it, or I will call the teacher, and trust me I will do it"

The head of the 7 girls who was kicking the boy stared at me for a long while, she walked toward me, pushed me away and walked past me.

That, was the begining of hell on earth.

For 2 years, they managed to persuaded all my best friends to turn against me, for the first time I knew how fragile friendship could be. They mocked me about my dress, my hair, my look. They cornered me right outside of the school gate and ridiculed me. They tried all the ways to humiliate me as best as they could. The only thing they dare not do was to beat me up.

Well, they beat my life up, they beat my self-esteem up, and that was the first time I knew what is the price to pay when you stand up for what is right.

I bore this with me for 16 years. Now I could take it off my shoulder. Giving me a second chance if I ever encountered the same thing, I would still have walked toward the back of the class and told them "stop it, or I will call the teacher".

I didn't see begining and the end, I only knew it hurted, I only knew I shut myself in for 14 years.

But now I know, everyone has a heartache story. And like Joseph said, what man meant evil, God will turn it for good.

2007-11-22T10:23:00.000+08:00

Psalm 63
A psalm of David. When he was in the Desert of Judah.

1 O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
2 I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
3 Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
4 I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.

You know how David feel, when you go through the 'desert' experience. When you are at your end, at the place that really you think no one cares, the name you call is "Jesus, Jesus, save me out of the pit". The love you long for is from above. And the comfort you receive will change you the way beyond your imagination.

You know God is bigger, mightier, stronger than anything that bogs you down. You know no matter how broken you are, God is skillful enough to bind the broken heart and mend your life back.

Trust His heart.

同学素描

2007-11-20T22:59:00.000+08:00

（一）

考得并不好。所以并未提及。有趣的事却有。比如，发卷以前老师说了“不准讲话”，他却用背抵着他的椅子，侧过脸来，偷偷地微语，“你看，那个印度老师，他教过我。”

“是吗？他还记得你吗？”
“不记得了吧。”
“你一定不是好学生。”
他摇摇头，“他只是我的讲师而已。”
“哦～你以前在哪个学校？”
“南大。”

我吐了吐舌头，哏了一下，我发出的怪声把他引得转过头来，“干吗？”

我只知道他同我一样，也是读电脑工程的，却没想到他是南大毕业生。天哪，他应该真的很喜欢语言吧，不然也不会又来读这个。我吗，还好讲，反正也一定要有张大学文凭。不如读自己喜欢的。如果我有南大毕业证，应该不会……

哈哈。

（二）
并不真的讨厌他，只是投诉得太多，让人觉得不舒服。

其实世上真的没有很公平的事。有那么多女孩都天生比我漂亮，那么多人都超级有钱，不用为学费担心，那么多人都比我聪明……这样比下去岂不没完没了。

你年龄在班上不算小，学得稍微有一点吃力，并不奇怪，你觉得人家不理你，便是你不理人家的反效果。嚷嚷了出来，事情也不会好转。

怕是他也不自觉自己有何不妥吧。我们只看得到别人的不妥，看不到自己的短处。

（三）
小个子，短发，亮丽的大眼，百灵鸟般的清脆。百灵鸟是什么？可能新加坡长大的华人都不知道，读了也体会不到什么是百灵鸟般的清脆。

个子虽小，胆子却不小，不喜欢被束缚的灵魂。要追她的人没有十八般武艺是不可以的。

她是我最喜欢粘的，那种恍如回到中学，一定要交一个死党的感受。享受坐在学生餐厅里，一边吃饭，一边叽叽喳喳的对别人评头论足。

晚餐

2007-11-20T22:45:00.000+08:00

今天的晚餐。这些以后都要留起来，给妈妈看，女儿有好好吃饭。其实起司蛋糕配菜是真的很奇怪。但也只有在单身时才可以这么有创意。

2007-11-20T17:31:00.001+08:00

人与人之间的相遇常常是奇妙的。本无关系的两个人，平行的两条线却因意料之外的因素，有了交集。而相遇后，会发生什么样的故事呢？

今天，去那里探了个究竟。接待我的是个专业而有礼的年轻人(我也并不是很老)，带着这个平凡而随意的我，去查看两个场地。不厌其烦的听我问了这个，又问了那个。我的请求，他都尽可能的一一满足，即使我说不需要水，他也贴心的让服务生送上冰水和冻柠檬茶，十分客气，客气的得体。顿时觉得十分清新。平日里，大多数都是别人向我提要求，我得一一尝试满足。

服务是很独特的一个行业，体贴却不亲近，让人毫无负担的享受。比较起他的专业，我确实觉得有些惭愧。我的工作又何尝不是服侍，不是事奉。

与他闲聊，才知道他也是迫不得已才需作此安排，觉得十分奇妙，有时生活的无奈会逼我们走上永生的路呢。所以，不要太快的沮丧，是得是失并不是一时可以看得到的。

美丽的地方，优美的环境，轻妙的音乐，空闲的游泳池。生命呢？也真的那么恬静吗？

A Different Spirit

2007-11-19T16:21:00.000+08:00

Number 13-14

If Jesus were still on earth, I could just imagine how many times He would have shaken His head and said to me "O, you of little faith."

Being a Christian for 7 years, talking about faith day in day out, hearing about faith day in and day out... I am glad that finally I start to get a bit of what is faith.

I love to read Number 13-14, the different accounts of the 10 spies and 2 spies (Joshua and Caleb) concerning the same land. Since the contrast of faith and fear was very obvious in this passage. In this case faith was not contagious, fear was.

Pondering over the passage, I find myself more often than not in the camp of the 10 spies and the Children of Israel, having the same reaction towards gaints in my life... feel like a grasshopper.

How to have faith? How to carry that different spirit? How?

I believe there isn't any formular nor short cut. And I know who I should turn to.

You Needed Me

2007-11-19T10:48:00.000+08:00

When I try to give, I always receive in the process of giving instead.

Fall in love with this song: You Needed Me

I cried a tear You wiped it dry
I was confused You cleared my mind
I sold my soul, You bought it back for me
And held me up and gave me dignity
Somehow you needed me

You gave me strength to stand alone again
To face the world out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me
You needed me

And I can't believe it's you
I can't believe it's true
I needed you
And You were there
And I'll never leave, why should I leave
I'd be a fool ‘Cause I've finally found someone who really cares

You held my hand when it was cold
When I was lost you took me home
You gave me hope when I was at the end
And turned my lie back into truth again
You even called me friend…

You gave me strength to stand alone again
To face the world out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me You needed me

祢为我拭去脸上的泪水
祢为我解开心中的迷惑
祢为我找回丧失的灵魂
祢扶持我，给我尊严
不懂为何祢需要我

祢赐予我力量，让我重新站立
面对世界，勇敢无惧
祢将我高高托起
让我几乎能看到永恒
祢需要我祢需要我

我不敢相信是祢，
我无法相信这是真的
当我需要祢，祢就在我身边
我不会离开祢，为什么要离开
如果离开最爱我的人，
我就是世上最愚蠢的

祢握着我冰凉的手
祢将迷失的我引领回家
当我在绝望的时候，祢赐我希望
将我的谎言识破，让我转向真实
祢甚至待我如友

祢赐予我力量，让我重新站立
面对世界，勇敢无惧
祢将我高高托起
让我几乎能看到永恒
祢需要我祢需要我

夜

2007-11-18T18:47:00.000+08:00

碧山图书馆外.

我家的墙

2007-11-18T18:44:00.000+08:00

可爱吧

我的门

2007-11-18T18:42:00.000+08:00

Dinner晚餐

2007-11-18T18:37:00.000+08:00

very korean like right?

Sunny Sunday

2007-11-18T16:37:00.000+08:00

Heavy rain, with thunder and lightning. What other better place to be than in your own living room with the TV on, eating fruits, laptop on the tea table and surfing internet.

Went to a famous Bah Kuh Teh place at Mumhammad Sultan road. Went to visit an art gallery after feasting on black pepperish Bah Kuh Teh. We walked along the Singapore river after afternoon coffee and chitchat. It was pretty sunny and windy. I didn't really feel the heat. I could't have expected this heavy rain back then.

I love rain. I love to listen to the sound of rain drops. I have a lot of great memories about the rain.

I remembered how the whole family got up in about 3, 4 am in the morning waking up upon the first spring thunder. Mum and dad wrapped and held both my sister and me in the blanket. We stood close to them and it was still chilling. Yet how we loved the first rain that declared the coming of hope-spring...we went "wow" standing on the tiny blancony filled with dad's pot plants.

I remembered in the summer holiday. It rained heavily for a few days. Our area was flooded with water all the way till your knees. I was at home doing my homework (oh well, our teachers always kept us busy during long holidays). Never expect anyone yet I heard someone shouting my name. When I poked out of the window, there they were, my best friends! They stood in the water, pant wrapped up their knee. They came all the way from the other end of the city (our city is bigger than Singapore). I rushed down with a lot of coloured papers in my hand. We folded little paper boats and watched them floating on the 'river'. The whole alley filled with our laughters.

And this rain...Light-hearted. I thought I gained back a friend, but suddenly realize I have never lost one in the first place. I didnt gain back a friend, friend is always there. I gained myself back: the girl who trusts, who laughs and who's happy with every little thing in life; the girl who always feels secure in herself, who doesn't shut herself in and shut other people out, who thinks best of others then the worse.

Finally I can smell the flower and appreciate the sunshine, finally I can hear the rain.

Cheers.

Alone

2007-11-17T02:05:00.001+08:00

I like the quietness of the night. I would stay up a little bit longer on alternate Fridays for I do not have to get up earlier the next day for work.

I expected thing could happen certain way, yet when it really happened, I was still very disappointed. What follows was the sense of loneliness. I know, I know I would be discourged, and I know God has been speaking very loudly from the Bible again and again, "do not be terrified and do not be discourage.", the verse is there in the canteen, day in and day out I have been reading it and looking at it:

"... ...for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." It brought tears in my eyes. How long I would truly trust Him and His heart?

As long as I stop asking the above question I guess. Trust and faith are too much simpler than our brain.

But I don't want to be different, I don't want to be someone who always brings out a different thought or objection... that was my deepest fear, You knew it well, You saw how I grew up being isolated just because I refused to follow people's ways. You knew how indifferent I became when I try to protect myself.

Who am I though? -A teacup speaks to her maker, "I do not want to be a teacup, could you make me a vase?"

So, ann, let's settle it once for all... you knew it well that your experienced was just part of the training. You didn't know God, you didnt know why. But now you are very clear that it was the proper preparation. Why should you fear since you knew how it is like?

What more do you want if God has promised you that He is always with you? What is the feeling of loneliness compare to the honour of being an instrument of God?

We all are earthen vessels, our presence is the best witness, to the living, the fragrance of Christ, to the blind, the smell of death.

I remember Abraham,
I remember Moses,
I remember Joshua and Caleb,
I remember Hannah,
I remember Esther,
I remember Ruth,
I remember all the prophets, Isaiah, Daniel, Jeremiah, Ezekial, Eliaz, Elisha
I remember Mary, the mother of the Lord,
I remember Joseph,
I remember Paul,
And I remember above all, Christ, who is the anchor of our faith.

I am not alone. I am not.

God recorded their life account down so that even thousands of years has gone by, we still know that we can put our faith in God. And He is the rewarder of faith.

Time to get real!

Without faith, it is impossible to please God. So, dust off your feelings.

It would still fail by far to say
All my heart contains
I simply live, I simply live for You

Nightz....

Ann...sign off~ :)

You should have life and have it more abundantly...

2007-11-16T18:06:00.000+08:00

I sign up for the Christmas Carolling... Was hesitated, did I take on too many things at one go?For Christmas would be the busiest season for me. But, who cares..:p...I have longed to do it.

I am still very nervous singing in front of people, but I do remember what Sherry told me, just know that you only have one audience, that is God. And it works!

Mom told me that I was this kind of 'me' when I was 5 or 6, "you were very curious about everything, eager to try, active and bold...you were the apple in all your teachers' eyes. But after you went to Secondary school, I felt as if the light glowing on you vanish slowly..."

That is why she sent me here!

"....I am glad the light came back..."

I am glad too, for the Light found me!

I read something that matters to me a lot today from John White's "The Fight",

"The helmet of salvation has to do with Christian hope (1 Thess. 5:8). It is fashionable nowadays in psychiatry to stress the importance of the"here-and-now." Who cares what happened when I was three years old? What does it matter where I shall be ten years hence? It is now that matters

And so it is. But we must not be too hasty to dump past and future into the garbage can. To the Christian the past matters intensely and the future does to. The here-and-now can only be understood in the light of the past and only faced in the light of the future. Life without hope is death in here-and-now"

He puts it bluntly...as he always does. Personally, I do not have problems about this "here-and-now" thingy. It helped me in certain extend when I used to wallow in the past pain.

But this is what I have been reflected on lately, that what I am now, is part of a collectively whole of my past and future.

The concept of "me" is not important when I try to attract people's attentions or concern. (sure I do that lol...)

But the concept of "me" is extremely important when I see myself as one tiny jigsaw piece in a big picture.

The first emotional traumatic experience I had sent me to an endless pit for years with me being totally unaware. (That is why I have always been very thankful about these 7 years in the Lord. I can see the hand of God pulling me out bit by bit by the measure that I could handle. ) And the recently experience was the last push...lol... Finally the desire of breaking free from being controlled by intense emotions was instilled and stired up in me.

But it was not a point of sudden enlightenment or awakening, rather a gradual process, step by step: shaky steps at first, trial and error, fell down often-flat down on my nose, frustrated and perplexed, yes; ups and downs, you bet; and a lot of bitter thoughts that I would feel ashame to share about.

Slowly (I am hyper sensitive and super dense at the same time), I see changes, that encourage me to keep it up...I always remember the bluish Dory rambling in Finding Nemo, "just keep swimming, just keep swimming"...And slowly, I have peace: I don't have to understand everything to trust, I don't have to be in control of everything, and I don't have to ask 'why' any more.

No no..I have not arrived anywhere yet. Yes it continues on and on and on... I see how far I fall short from 'perfection', yet I no longer regard 'perfection' as mission impossible.

I learn to confront my past and face my future now... with fear and trembling....still?

Yeah...

2007-11-15T22:41:00.000+08:00

I need to apply another freelancing post I think. I've finished my previous assignments. Some of them needs to be edited which I am doing it right now.

I am still a little lazy sometimes. I tried not to stay in front of TV for too long, but generally I am doing okay now.

I have my next Sem's fee pretty much there. I guess I will just live one sem by another. I could worry so far. I try my best not to borrow money from that friend, even though I know he is sincerely wanting to help me without any terms and conditionns. I just do not think it is necessary, since I could get everything almost there by the term comes.

It is much better than poly time. At least now I am doing what I really am passionate about. Well, I did like programming back then..lol..especially those times when the code just doesnt work.

Cooked something yuk for dinner. but I finished it all, since I was watching ER. I was not much concerned about what went in my stomach.

I like series like ER or Law and Order. You learn a little bit about life every episode. So that I won't feel too guilty spending too much time on TV.... I tried to switch off the TV when it is time for KangXi Lai La, Haha...not that I do not like the talk show, but feeling time is wasted watching people talk for nothing if I have things on hand.

Just rambling...lol...

Life is not a box of chocolate to me

2007-11-15T22:06:00.001+08:00

M1 broadband becomes much stable now. Just like me. LOL

Went to sports complex yesterday, thought of just running one or two rounds. To my surprise, I ran 5 full rounds along the center track without feeling giddy. When was the last time I could do that? When I was in my primary school, I think. I used to be in the sports team then, wearing singles and ran marathon during winter. My best result was the 15th I think; I used to stand on the stage and sing without fear; I used to express myself without afraid of being hurt...

Feels like my clock of life has been stopped there for a long where, and it starts to tickle again. It is like waking up from a long 20 over years sleep.

I don't get it sometimes.

Just when I thought I understood, I lost,
Just when I thought I lost, I was found,
Just when I thought I am ok, I fail,
And just when I thought I could never get up again, I received new strength to jump and leap,

Just when I screamed "NO, I do not know how to cross it over," I found myself already in the other side of the bank.

Life is like a naugthy child,
When I come close, he runs away,
When I turn my back on him, he follows me and holds the fringe of my skirt,
When I am trying hard, he folds his hands and stand aside with a cold smile,
When I finally let go, he open his arms and give me a big hug.

If life is a lover, I could never get him....
Yet I know I've already fallen in love with him.

All I Want for Christmas is A Cat

2007-11-15T12:46:00.000+08:00

There was a cat always hanging around and rest under my block. I used to sit beside her and play with her. Even though I could not bring her home, at least I could enjoy the interaction we had. She likes me a lot and enjoy my company. Cats like me, I carry certain spell that only cats can detect I guess.

But she was just not there anymore after the fire. I've been looking out for her every time I go back home. Sometimes I jog around my block and look for her. I am quite worried. Was she caught in the fire and didnt manage to escape? My flatmate console me,

"she will be fine, there wasnt even a man injuried."
"But who will report it if they found the corpe of a cat"
"Hey, cat reacts faster than man okay?"

I thought so.

I miss her. A lot.

错位

2007-11-13T15:21:00.000+08:00

十几年前的我一定不会明白现在的我~ 中午坐在咖啡店吃肉脞面，脑海里突然闪过这个念头。

十几年前，我虽人小，心态却很老，从来不觉得活着是什么高兴的事。好像是被迫来到这个世间，被迫呼吸一样。讨厌正正经经的过日子，却从来不反抗。表面乖巧，骨子里却很叛逆。我常常穿着极黑或极灰的大外套。高中时，曾教过我姐姐的一位数学老师在走廊上停下来问我，为什么总是穿着比我年龄老成很多的颜色。我只是笑，只是沉默。

现在却逐渐地有了比实际年龄轻快很多的笑容。就连考试时间太紧，赶着答考卷也是件快乐的事。试卷一被收走，就敲着坐在我前面的同学的肩，怎么样，怎么样，答完了吗？没有，他摇摇头，你呢？答完了，我得意地笑着。他转过脸来，要吃了我的样子。看着主考官盯着他说，请同学们保持安静，我偷偷躲在他背后嗤嗤笑。

是呀，考试曾几何时是我喜欢的时刻呢。而现在，就是告诉别人我要考试了，也是用着骄傲的语气。

怕是前段日子过得太灰暗，喜乐都堆在现在享用吧。

2007-11-11T18:06:00.000+08:00

Have you tried crying on someone's shoulder?

Well, someone cried on mine before...that person feels good probably...lol...

Now that I am ok, my friends around me won't be too happy. For i am not easy to handle when I am up and hyber...

watch out....

figuratively speaking

2007-11-11T16:36:00.000+08:00

Suddenly I realized that I almost got everything that is on my plate done.

Happy. Now I can be more focus on my prep work for the exam. Though the first paper is on tomorrow!

Wahahaha.

I wasn't really worried about my exam though.

Start to build up rupport with my classmates and with church mates. Start to...like that person said, truly move on. Breaking free slowly, feels like a little duck breaking out of the shell..

(though that was the begining of the nightmare for the urgly duck.)

It is good to breathe in without pain in the chest, and I really, really happy that it was but for a moment, and I am not going to spend longer time on this anymore.

Was sharing with my friend, how could I wish God would tell me how to walk every step of the way. But things just dont work out that way.

It is through stumbling, pondering and wondering, wrestling and finally we can come to the point that we are enlightened, oh~ You think this is the best for me, though I really wanted something else badly.

Come to the end, we go back to our orginal point, that our forefathers and our spiritual mentors has been telling us again and again...."Walk with the Lord, or you will be lost"

Sometimes we were just too stubborn, only learn at the point He found us at the corner of street where we were shivering in fear, then we saw him and bursted into tears.

We start to trust. Knowing tat it is much safer standing beside him than attracted by all the colorful candies and later on lost our way, wondering on the street.

Hehe...

爱的传承

2007-11-10T22:54:00.000+08:00

不可否认的是，父母对孩子的影响力是很大的，无论这影响是正面的，还是负面的。孩子初生在人世，他所了解的整个世界就是他父母的生命。

中国高考制度恢复后，母亲在她38岁时考上了大学，主修中国文学。当时家庭条件真的很差，况且家中还有两个嗷嗷待哺的小孩。母亲的工作单位又百般刁难，不给与资助。调解了很多次都不成功。我虽只有四岁，却记得父亲在饭桌上淡淡地说，“别急，及时是拉板车，捡垃圾，我也会供你读书。”

在我幼小的心灵，我知道，那就是爱。

母亲是极其顾家的人，不管课业多么繁忙，我从未感受到她对我们的忽略。每天她都极力照顾好我和姐姐。我总记得，冬天，我半夜起床上厕所，因为怕黑，从自己房间蹒跚拖着大棉被，去找爸爸妈妈，经过客厅时，看到母亲打着手电筒读书，父亲在旁边陪着，有问题时，母亲轻声地问父亲，父亲轻声地回答。我屏住呼吸，久久，他们才发现黑暗中小小，呆呆地我。开怀的笑着，“兰兰，不睡觉，在干什么？”我才呼出一口气，“妈妈，厕所。”

即使是24年以后的今天，回想以来，那一幕还是那么清晰，恍如发生在昨日一般。知事后问母亲，“为什么不开灯？”

“你们都睡了，不愿吵到你们。”

在我幼小的心灵，我知道，那就是爱。

从小到大，无论家庭经过什么困难和如何的变故，父母的身影就是安全的保障，风和雨，他们都自己承受，用他们薄弱的身影护着我们，不曾让我们受到伤害。

即使是今天，离家在外的我，也很时常和母亲打电话，一聊就是几个下时，生活中的喜怒哀乐从不曾向他们隐瞒。因我知道，这世间可以为我赴汤蹈火，毫不犹豫地付出的人就是他们。为我忧而忧，为我喜而喜的也是他们。爱之深，却从不娇惯，从不放纵。

我或许还不真正的了解吧。因我还是只为自己活着，并不晓得，什么时候，我会抱着我愿以生命相抵，全力守护的那份稚弱。但常常默默地祈祷，父母给我的爱，我都会给你，感谢你相信我会爱着你。

Public Holiday

2007-11-08T21:22:00.000+08:00

It is really a public holiday for me. Really relaxing....Really really.....

I guess I have not been rested this way for a long, long while. Went to salon this afternoon, cut my hair, and got some treatment. It is too dry and I have not been taking care of it too much.

The salon girl who was massaging my shoulder when washing my hair told me my muscles are very tight. "Stress huh?"

I was about to tell her that I shouldnt have any stress because of the nature of my work. Then I paused and realized that I, I have been giving myself a lot of stress lately.

So, I didn't say anything and enjoy her massage.

I did something that I really like today. Just lazed...and rest.

Yea, I know I may encounter another emotional downfall later, maybe I am happy at the moment and sad at next. But there is also another possibility that, maybe, my emotional muscles has been built up.... Maybe I am stronger.

I may not be the happiest soul in the world, but I will learn how to pat on my own shoulder and tell myself, "buddy, hang in there"

Sometimes all we got to do is to flip the other side of the coin over.

Kim

2007-11-07T00:31:00.000+08:00

傍晚，走在回家的路上。是的，没有懒，我走了很久。猛然记起一个瘦瘦小小的身影。

那天也是傍晚了，我坐车回家。我旁边坐着一个短发的女孩子，静静地看着一张已经破得不成样子的地图。如果她一直看着那张地图，我恐怕现在就早已将她忘记了。

她看着我，又看看她的地图。我看着她笑。她把地图铺过来，用瘦弱的手指着一个地方，请问，你知道这里该怎么去吗? 她的英文带有重重的韩国腔。我伸过头去看了看，嗯，我知道，可是你打错车了。你需要在乌节路转车。噢。她点点头。若果她就此沉默了，我也可能不再会记起她。可是她问了一句让我很吃惊的问题：如果不坐车，走着去，要多久？

我这才细细的打量她起来。她是个很典型的韩国邻家小女孩，20出头的样子。没有电视上韩国女孩的妩媚，没有化妆，也绝对没有整过容。细细的眼，单眼皮，薄薄的嘴，紧闭着，透着一股坚毅。

走，怕要一个多小时吧。坐车吧，坐车很快就到了。她看着我，你在乌节路会下车吗？我点点头，我下车的车站有你可以搭的车。她摇摇头，告诉我往那个方向走就行了，谢谢。说完，她微笑了一下，表示感谢。我问她，你叫什么。Kim, 她回答道。

她沉默了，我却不甘心……

为什么不搭车？
我没钱了？
为什么？
我去马来西亚玩，我的钱包被偷了。信用卡和现金都在里面。
你在新加坡？
旅游
一个人？
嗯，21岁生日礼物。

乌节路很快就到了。她跟着我下了车。你要从这里直走，走完了乌节路，左传，再直走大概20分钟，再问问，就在那个附近。她感激地点了点头，正要走，我却不忍，拉住她，掏出10钱，

kim，坐车吧，走路真的要很久，剩下的钱吃饭。她摇着头。kim, 萍水相逢，以后也不会再相遇，拿着。她还是摇头，很坚决地摇头。

我松开手，好吧，走吧，要小心一点。她笑开了，深深地鞠了一躬，转身走了。那大大的行李包松松的跨在她的肩上，却好像要把她压倒似的。

我有些不舍，痴痴的望着她瘦弱素净的背影，消失在红红绿绿的人群中。

以后再也不会再相遇了吧。

A time to learn; A time to grow

2007-11-06T18:04:00.000+08:00

my last piece of translation work was not really in good order. I am NOT satisfied with it.

I have not done enough study to familiarize with the terms and topic. Me to blame.

I had enough time, but mood swing, mood swing...lol...

Anyway, must learn from it.

2007-11-05T23:09:00.000+08:00

i try my best to keep myself awake. really want to snuggle in bed and sleep, but really can't. I have to finish this job tonight.

it's like a marathon, that you reach a point that you just wish to drop on the ground and never get up, but you are still running, you know you can't

used to be an 8-hour baby. must sleep 8 hrs everyday. but now...lol..hardly.

luckly i do not have to snack at night. NOT gaining weight!

Listening to Josh Groban singing "Don't give up... ... because you are loved", smiled. I know I am.

I have been reading Job. I said I will read Job, didn't I? Yea, have been reading about what the first friend comment on Job's situation. Everyone is trying to explain why Job suffered so much, from the time of the Job, till now, dont know how many thousands years later. Job's first friend sounded really 'godly', at least to me, for now. I do not know, for myself, why God wasnt pleased with what he said.

read it two times, if I still can't get it, i will resolve to commentaries...lol...

finally understand, you can't get happiness by pursuing it. Trying to live with things that I can't understand, things that are unexplained, things that bring you a mixture taste of bitter and sweet.

finally understand, I can only be at peace when I trust, trust everything works for good, trust things that are unseen, trust that I am loved by the Almighty always.

He didnt give Job an explanation. I am not Job, i didnt suffer like the way Job suffered. But whatever the case, He doesnt owe me any explanation either.

Wat more should I ask...the empty tomb overlapped with empty cross, appearred right in front of my eyes.

What I can't trust Him for, if He could even trade out His own life?

What can I do? What should I prove, To whom do I need to prove myself for?

Who can seperate me from the love of God that is in Christ.

Late at night, physically tired, emotionally drained, but I am not down... ...

why should i?

2007-11-04T22:14:00.000+08:00

百感交集……

失望与期待，痛苦与甜蜜，昨天与今天，疑惑与释然紧紧纠结在一起。剪不断，理还乱。

说着原谅，说着忘记，是期盼，是祈祷，却还不是事实。终于明白，期盼突然有一天清晨，睁开眼，就可以痊愈是幻想而已。

常常对自己说，你又何必纠缠，到一个新的地方，新的开始，东山再起。呆在原地，左转是困谜，右转是失意，前走是尴尬，后退是绝壁。刚想背起行囊，心里那小小的声音却重复着，不可再逃了，你要逃到几时？一辈子这么逃得过去吗？

可那触动的是那最深的痛啊~？不由地顶着嘴，分辩着。
学会痛，才能学会长大不是吗？你生命到现在的每一份感激，都是痛换来的啊。那十月怀胎的分娩，那牺牲自我，咬紧牙关，将你抚养大，却仍旧能忍痛放你飞翔的父母。

甚至你永生的权利都是由痛换来的。学会痛，不要活着，只为着自己。

每个人都追求着快乐，快乐真的能带给你快乐吗？

我沉默了，坐在黑暗里，足足哭了2个小时。放下行囊，我懂了，我会留下。就算是痛，也可以。

Les Misèrables

2007-11-02T13:26:00.000+08:00

It is a musical in concert (DVD), borrowed from my friend.

I was totally captivated by it, putting down everything that was on my hand.

I watched the prologue and part of the title 1:

Jean Valjean, released on parole after 19 years on the chain gang, finds that the yellow ticket-of-leave he must, by law, display condemns him to be an outcast. Only the saintly Bishop of Digne treats him kindly and Valjean, embittered by years of hardship, repays him by stealing some silver. Valjean is caught and brought back by police, and is astonished when the Bishop lies to the police to save him, also giving him two precious candlesticks. Valjean decides to start his life anew...

That was the point, fragments of memory flashed back....I remember the two sliver candle sticks...I remembered Jean Valjean adopted a girl later....Still I couldn't recall the whole story. Until the morning, I woke up...the name and the author of this great work suddenly came back to me. It was a movie shown on the TV when I was 7 or 8 during one of the summer holiday.

It was amazing I finished watching the whole movie at the age that I should only be interested in cartoons; It was amazing that it stayed with me for 20 over years, a small lead could pull the whole story out of my memory. I was also fanscinated at the fact that I watched it in Chinese back then, now in English, yet language wasn't a barrier for me to connect the movie and the musical together. And the story was written in French originally!...

The value and the impact of such great works like 'Les Miserables' is beyond time and space, culture difference and languages.

The musical was like a needle with thread in the eye, weaving every fragmental piece of my memory about this story all together.

It is just beautiful....

I will find time the finish the whole thing.

Friend also lent me a DVD of a broadway musical that I was eyeing for a long while:

CATS!

Hurray!~

-------------------------------------------

Though I am watching 'Les Misèrables', I am happy and content now. I have not tasted the sweetness of happiness for a long, long while. When it comes back, I grip it immediately.

It feels like your realize that you are well after a long period of illness, gaining back the energy, you could again breathe in easily, your body lightened up.

It feels like you were once bound, now broken free.

I am not afraid of walking towards my 30s now......

Through tears and through joy, I know who holds my future.

G K Chesterton & Job

2007-10-30T09:42:00.000+08:00

Not the job that I am looking for. But the Job in the Bible.

Friend recommended me to read G K Chesterton which I did. and the first book I borrowed for NLB was his best: The Man Who Was Thursday.

Well...after reading it, you found that a lot of contempary stories are tasted like plain water compare to his wit.

I have been using all the bits of time on MRT and buses to catch up with the story. Have not finished reading. Am ready to read it again tho...lol

I also read an article that commented on this book. It mentioned that G K Chesterton consider book of Job as the greatest riddle in all literture.

Alright, yup, that is how I connected these two together.

Anyway, that little comment arose my desire to read the book of Job. and the journey with Job starts TODAY.

God bless the journey....

But, frankly speaking, .... never mind...lol.

The Question that Leads to Answer and the Answer leads to the Question

2007-10-28T22:07:00.000+08:00

Already felt the heat of the Christmas. Yeah...churches start to be busy again.

I am very resisted to the idea of tracting. And I talked to my friend about it. Cuz I am going for tracting soon. I dunno.. it feels like selling something...to think that idea, I really think it is kind of blasphemy against my Lord. I am not gonna sell my Jesus.

I think he might be right, he said that was not the idea of the world, but the idea of Christians that we walk on the street and talk to people. Our Fathers have done that thousands years ago. The world copied us.

Does that bring me any consolation to change my mind about this whole 'selling' feeling? I guess I will only know after I go through the tracting sessions.

Sometimes I really don't know if God like me as who I am. I have loads and loads of thoughts. But then I think again, I believe He does enjoy my companion a lot. Am I not created by Him after all? - I often appreciate the fact that God in all His power didn't and never intented to make us Robbots. He created us with different bent, different tempermant. We are the ones who do not appreciate who we are.

See, I can't offer anyone anything. I can't offer you Jesus. NOPE, Absolutely not!

Jus sharing a little thought:

Look, I don't know how to live without knowing that I belong to Him now...the journey started with chaos just like anyone else: lots of arguments, questions and answers. Answers that could not satisfy questions. The journey went on with chaos...for all the answers lead to more questions, and once the questions are answered, they lead me to more and more questions.

But in the midst of all chaos, I always, always see this smile on His face. You know what is the fun of it, He like us to be after Him.

The story didn't begin with 'peace', rachel was weeping for her children, and she was not willing to be comforted. The story didnt end with 'peace', the red dragon, the archangel, the great battle with tears and prayers of the saints. At least it is not the concept of peace that is in our mind.

Chaos... ..

My another friend is translating the christmas skit that will be performed by her church. She asked me how to be make it sound less offensive? I paused for a while after hearing the long sentence she read... thinking through my journey....

It couldn't be less offensive.

Gospel is offensive, it overturned the long, old concept of the way we worship God. It shaked the whole earth. It shaked down the red dragon. Its power is not something we could fathom. It is not mild, calm, cool...

It is the declaration!

I will still go for tracting I guess... It is really not about how, it is about heart. That I wish I could stir up the emptyness of people's hearts. like I was, stirred up, realized the horrible vacuum, and realized.......

Ps118:8

2007-10-25T17:09:00.000+08:00

the centre of the Bible. the lesson I learnt and am learning.

I have been always taught about "don't look to man, but God", though this time it is more than being taught, this was a practical test, my internship on this important lesson.

The natural inclination and reliance was broken in every sense. The natural part of trust wasn't able to stand in the test of 'fire'.

It is not just about right or wrong, it is about at the end of the road, only did I realize, God is to be trusted in all situations. That is the starting point of building on trust with men, at the extention of God's unfailing lovingkindess. at the expense of death of something, something else comes alive, which you can see, i could hardly put it into words.

I am still learning to trust men, am not in despair, working on the broken tie, bit by bit, line by line, little by little. Takes time, I know.

Still, the tempation of running away is great, as if any time I can drop everything, pack up and go. Constant struggles.

Who say we are not living in struggles. READ Romans 7...lol...

Come to the Father,
though your gift is small,
broken heart and broken life
He can take them all,
the power of the Word,
the power of His blood,
everything was done,
So you would come.

So I would come.

无解

2007-10-23T16:36:00.000+08:00

母亲和我谈到国内家里楼上的一个女孩，痴了几个月。

“有个男朋友，好得什么是的，双进双出，常常帮着她做这做那，样子不错，都见她母亲了。”

“挺好的，怎么就痴了？”

“是很好，看起来都谈婚论嫁了。”

“可是，那男的不知怎么就消失了，”

“消失？”

“不再找她，电话也打不通，也没留下一点踪迹。”

“所以就痴了。”我明白了。

“是呀，来找我，一句话也不讲，眼泪就哗哗的掉。三个月里一下子就掉了十几斤……”

“……”

有时生活是无解的。常常是这样的无解，纠结着我们。为什么呢？我错吗？那里错，至少也让我知道。反反复复，人也就痴了。人心是复杂的，我们有时都不知自己在想什么，要什么？又何必问，又何必知道别人在想什么？即使真的能问，又会得到真的答案吗？即使得到真的答案，你就满意了吗？

或是只有更痛苦而以？

倘若是无解，就让它无解吧，走了的，就不要再去追，追得回来的，便不会走。只是留在原地的人，日子还要过，太阳还是会升起。多一天的纠葛，就是多一天对自己的折磨。

不要等着别人的怜惜，自己要学会怜惜自己。

挣脱出去，才会发现，天更蓝，路更宽。这样地微笑便也对得起我们的造物者了。

Be strong and be Courageous.

2007-10-22T17:43:00.000+08:00

For the Lord knows you would lose heart......

I turn around and see defeats, depression and disappointment. Swollen eyes and broken heart. You have no idea how it pains my heart. And believe me, I know how low is low, how sad is sad. And I hope you know how much I wish to cheer your guys up.

Everyday passes either we drag it or live it, time is fair to everyone.

Where your treasure is?

2007-10-17T11:14:00.000+08:00

The angel of death passed us by without pain. Panic, maybe.

We often take things for granted, thinking our world will last forever in the way it runs now. Stood in front of ruin, I knew, for some people, it changed.

We don't like accidents and last minutes changes. Urban life teaches us to be prepared. When we sit for exams, when we go for interviews, we are well prepared. We studying, and do past year exam papers. We collate all the information and make sure we bring all along: certificates, qualifications, proofs of our past achievements. We do prelims before real exam, we study the company profile and rehearse Q and A session with our friends before the interview.

Though I wondered, if my life were to be claimed last night, were I prepared to see God?

I should be grateful, I told myself. Indeed I am.

All gone, the soya milk stall here that I used to come, the kopi stall, the fishball noodles...Haha...I still could think of food.

Jesus ever said, do not store up treasure on this earth. Is that hard to understand? NOT to me at this moment. A real-life illustration was staring at me. All the food stalls that filled with happy breakfast crowd every morning were now deformed dark holes. Everything could be gone in a split second or a good half-an-hour.

What remains after the testing of fire is our real treasure, which is what we will bring when we see Jesus face to face. Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Busy busy busy busy

2007-10-15T10:22:00.000+08:00

Everyone is crying, busy busy busy busy.. It is such a common word you use in urban life.

How are you?
busy.
What are you busy about?
Too busy to have time to tell you.

Duh...

I had a conversation with my colleague last week concerning this. We were initially talking about an English writer, G K Chesterton. He was really a good thinker. But we found we have less and less thinker, more and more doer nowadays. We all rush through our days without any pause button pressed.

Which is not healthy!

We are not designed that way, we are not designed to a hassel lifestyle.

So I learn...learn to give myself moments of blanks, moments of reflection on what is going on, moments of lay back to just flipping TV channels. I must learn not to easily go with the current of "busyness"

Stand still, and sit still and as what my friend just told me...one thing at a time!

Baby Blanket

2007-10-15T09:46:00.000+08:00

My friend's son has a small blanket. It covers him and keeps him warm since he was a baby. He needs to hold it every night before he falls into sleep. If my friend's family needs to travel, friend will always remember to pack it along. So that she wouldn't worry about her son's adjustment to new enviroments like hotel rooms. "He feels safe sleeping with it", friend said.

We all have this sort of "baby blanket", don't we? We all have something in our life that we hold tightly as a symbol of sense of security. For some, it is their work; some their family; some others their friends, or even loneliness can become "baby blanket" for people who went through some traumatic experience.

But what if, what if one day, that "baby blanket" is taken away from us? My friend's son responded in loud screams and tears. How about us? I believe we all have this kind of experience in the past. We all remember how painful it was, how our world collapse in a moment, and how we responded same way as my friend's son did. Well, it might not be so literally, but we too would fall into panic, feel naked and lost ourselves in confusion.

It is like walking on the ice, the more we wish to stable ourselves the more we slipp down and hit hard on the ground. There isn't anything that we can grab onto to keep balance.

So.. we sit on the gound and cry.

And how grateful we are now when we look back. For those are the moments that we learnt that from and in whom we could find the true and everlasting security.

David found it during the time he ran for his life.

Did we? Do we? or will we?

God bless.

2007-10-14T21:23:00.000+08:00

And the Speakers said, countries are closing doors to missionaries but opening their red carpets to professionals and business man...hmmm....something worth taking note of.

I cry, my foot slipped, but your love, O Lord, supported me

2007-10-14T20:45:00.000+08:00

The Speaker said, there are two things in your life that God will not waste: training and tears. Which he only said it to the second service crowd. I was kinda amused.

Amused because I had enough tears in the past. tons and tons in 28 years, of course counting the day I was born as well.(I must be really scare leaving my mom's warm protection). Anyway, I always thought tear is a sign that you are weak, emotional and vunerable and hated myself always being a crying baby.

Now I take comfort that someone would say God will not let it go on waste.

And I am currently undertaking certain training in life. This is the first time I am consciouly making a step to equip myself for...a better life, I guess. The journey to discover what I am really good for.

So, I am right on the track, I think.

There was a battle, and God helps always. As the speaker said, a lot of times when things getting really tough, and when we look around and see no one could help, that was the period of time we learn "Lord, You and only in You, I can trust".

All the valley experiences are supposed to make us see that God is stronger than any problem that we might run into. And God set His proven record of faithfulness through them. He doesn't need to. He does it for us and for the bonding and the relationship that is constantly buidling and developing between Him and us.

Would I not taste the bitterness of the setback, how could I be so excited and joyful about the success that is coming?

Would I not taste the embrassment, how could I possiblily know how to build up my confidence not in myself but in God.

If I get everything in my plan, on my calendar in my time the way I want, I would probably now be someone who is arrogant, proud and difficult to deal with.

Sometimes, we just have to step back and take a look at the wholesome picture of our journey, shouldn't we?

14 October, 1 year apart from the time I fell down miserably, I fell into a pit of bitterness, self -pity. I fell into my pond of tears, I fell into a pit that I resolve in many other ways in order to pick myself up only found I slipped in deeper and deeper.

I really think God has this habit of recording and remembering dates as well.

14 October, it is as if He is telling me, where you fall down, I am able to pick you up.

Trust grows.

Doors of hope opening up to me one by one, I guess this is the end of this preparation for something He is going to disclose soon...

Looking forward

I hear babies cry, I see them grow

2007-10-12T17:58:00.000+08:00

...they will learn more than I ever know. And I think to myself...what a wonderful world.

Louis Armstrong.

It echoes at the back of my mind...Nice background music for my current stage of life...

My student made a big step in learning, a remarkable step...here is her story:

-------------------

She wasn't happy. She stared at me and stared back at my notebook screen... no fanciful pictures, no animation, no games this time. It was not just mere words, but sentenses, 4 sentenses, a short story.

"I have to learn this today?" She asked.
"Yes." I nodded.

She wasn't happy, but she dared not show it, mom was sitting next to her.

I knew how she felt, but she is going to primary 1 in a few months' time. I seldom force my students to study, for I know to groom their interest and study skills are far more important than the subject itself. But I need to push her a bit. I do not wish that she would lose her confidence in P1, it could be overwhelming if she doesn't learn how to read from now.

We started the cycle of repetition. It was boring, but it was neccessary. Her face turned red sometimes, when she could not tell the meaning of 'see' from 'sea', when she could not tell the pronounciation of 'beach' from 'peach'. But there is something about her I love, she is patient enough to follow me again and again and she is stubborn enough to try until she makes it right.

After about 10 times or 11, I couldn't remember, I asked her to read by herself. She stuttered, she paused, she looked at me for help but I zipped my mouth.

And finally, word by word, she got everything right. After reading once through without much difficulty, she turned to me and gave me a huge smile "I... CAN... READ...!"

I know it is quite common for a five-year-old singaporean child to read story books by himself, but for her, a little Chinese lady who can't even tell 'j' from 'g' 12 weeks ago......

I saw the sparks in her mother's eyes, I listened to her reading the 4 sentenses out loud to her mother. I met her mother's eyes looking back and fro from me and her girl... I knew what it meant:

"Thank you."

-----------------------------

I didn't want to take up this tution at the begining because of shortage of time. But it pays off when I see her growth week by week. I am really proud of her.

Busy

2007-10-12T17:47:00.001+08:00

... ...but fulfilling. I am so much happier once I know where I am heading.

I love what I am studying now. Yea, of cuz I would use the word 'love'. Feelsss like a dyhatrated fish released back to the water....

不懂爱玲，不看色戒

2007-10-09T12:20:00.000+08:00

真的不懂张爱玲。《色·戒》是收集在我们的文学赏析里的。读过后，真的，恕我愚昧，不懂。是在写乱世里的爱情故事？却又不是真正的爱情，一时心软，放过该杀的，还断送了自己的性命。是讲爱国？她却毫无经验，无作特务的经验，无作刺客的经验，在那种局势下，涉及整个行动的又不只她一个，怎会选一个是非不分，该理智时，不理智，该动情处，不动情地女大学生？因为她的软弱而白白断送其他人的性命？

不懂，不懂张爱玲在讲什么。也领会不了那种别样的情。

所以，不看色·戒。

也没时间。哈哈……

2007-10-06T23:38:00.000+08:00

Alright! Submitted my Chinese Writing assignment 22 mins before it is too late. It is due today before midnight.

Phew~ that was quite a struggle, a real pang. I rewrote the essay at least 5 times. My mind was mingling about it alllllll the time.

in fact I finished the assignment long time ago. But I dint submit it. cauz I felt I didnt say what I want to say in it. I just can't let it go.

If writing is like this, and I am gonna choose as like my life long career..oh wey...tough!

But who cares, how many people are really doing what they like to do... ...

Give you a blank look.

2007-10-04T16:47:00.000+08:00

I click, "New Post", I click "View Blog" before I fill in anything in the new post. I click back "New Post", I click back "View Blog" before I fill in anything. and I click "Next Blog"

I am quite blank, to be frank. From Monday till now, right now, I felt like running a race, and I hardly see the finish line.

I could hardly be emotional these few days, very sane, very in control, very logical and very much doing everything that I should do. I could hardly tell I am happy or not. Strange.

I failed my test.

I am yet to submit my assignment. they extended the submission day. I need to re-look at my essay.

I am yet to translate the song that will be played in Christmas event. Listen to it thousand times to make sure I get the essence of it.

I am waiting for the skit. Somehow I got myself the job to translate it! Lol... ...

I am yet to send out my resume.

One thing I learn, that fool vents his (or hers in my case) feelings all out. Search it out, this is in Proverbs. It is ok to admit that I was a fool and I am learning: not to. Feelings could distort truth. But feelings follows the truth when we believe in the truth.

The truth is... ...yet to find out...

Dear God,

2007-10-01T14:13:00.001+08:00

So far today, I have done ok.
I haven't gossiped or lost my temper.
I haven't been greedy, crappy, mean, nasty, selfish, bitchy or overindulgent.
And I am very grateful for that.
But dear God, in a few mintues I am gonna get out of the bed,
and then I am probably gonna need a lot more help.
Amen.

Came across it @ this blog and I was amused by it even though I was a bit down then. I missed the chance to see a friend off at airport. His flight was last night, and I thought he is leaving on the coming sunday.

Yea, I know we are not really close friends, but then, still, I should have checked out his flight details earlier from his mom. He is a very quiet and sweet boy, who has his own thought about things, and a lot times that inspires/encourages me in a certain way.

I felt like I am really a very lousy friend. And these few days I have been realizing that I have yet to love all my friends in the way a lot of my friends do. I have yet to learnt how to love people. It is kind of frustrating.

Yea, to realize your own shortcomings and weaknesses that you thought you dont have, it is a bit...ehhhhhh...i dunno.

See, my friend is telling me stop thinking too much...lol...did I?

Anyway...everyone thinks a lot...I just voice it out... that is all....hahaha

Enlarge My Tent, I Pray

2007-09-27T11:15:00.000+08:00

Reading the stories about Jules Verne, about Corrie Ten Boom , about Liz Murray, and about many others who lived/lives beyond their limitations. Their life were/are much larger than the circumstances they were/are in.

Jules Verne is the author of Around the World in 80 Days. He is known as the inventor of science fiction. His imagination is far beyond his own territory of living. Many of the ideas in his stories, like spacecraft, guided missiles, aircraft, submarines, and helicopters, later became reality. He inspired a lot of people who once addicted to his book and became scientists later. Yet he himself lived a life that you could hardly think it was fanciful. He seldom travel, and a joke said that, "the only time he went for hunting, he shot off a guadian's hat, which was the end of his hunting experience".

Corrie Ten Boom, one of the well-known missionaries that I admired. I have read the book about her story, The Hiding Place for 3 times. Her family committed to save Jews during WWII on the cost of their life. Her sister and her father died in the concentration camp. She survived and was released upon a typo mistake of a clerk in the prison office.

Liz Murray, yes, Liz Murray. I am very much inspired by the movie Homeless to Harvard, which is her story. She is one year younger than me! She is bornt in a drug-addicted family. Mother died of AIDS, father is HIV positive as well. She missed school, sent to a girl's home for a while. She was homeless when she was 15, yet she finished the high school study within 2 years. With the offer of scholarship she went to Harvard.

I like to observe people who challenge culture, challenge authority and challenge the limitations and restrictions of which they have borne into. Because their stories are calling something within me that I have buried for too long.

Arise, my life!

Arise!

2007-09-26T11:54:00.001+08:00

Has been depressed together with YL. Haha, everything I said to him is everything I want to say to myself.

Yea, friend, listen, everything I lecture you is everything I use to lecture myself.

But enough is enough I guess...

Liz Murray wakes me up finally, if I keep it on this way, I am not going anywhere...

There are more important things in life that I need to pay my attention to and to work on.

Enough is enough.

--------------------

it is a process...there maybe setbacks, don't give up, press on :)

When I said, "my foot is slipping," Your love, O LORD, supported me
- Psalm 94:19

Psalm 28

2007-09-24T17:21:00.000+08:00

To you I call, O LORD my Rock;
do not turn a deaf ear to me.
For if you remain silent,
I will be like those who have gone down to the pit.
Hear my cry for mercy,
as I call to you for help,
as I lift up my hands toward your Most Holy Place...

......

Praise be to the Lord,
for he has heard my cry for mercy.
The LORD is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.
My heart leap for joy
and I will give thanks to him in song.

The LORD is the strength of his people
a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.
Save your people and bless your inheritance

be their shepherd and carry them forever.

Amen.